There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.