Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.