*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam