My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
my retirement plan is braless
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”