I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I want to meet the individual who made this
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Why soy sad?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan