them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Herpes is trending, good job people
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Pandas 🐼🖤
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Succinctly put.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*