If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”