Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Geez man, take it easy.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
i actually laughed 😩
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.