If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
yes… yes…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.