Spring of Deception
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OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
sigh
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school