So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Ion see the issue
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
🤭😂
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.