[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
12. I think about this all the damn time
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken