The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I falcon love using swear birds
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old