[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there