On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.