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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh鈥t poker-
ME: IT’S POK脡MON
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
monday
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
…sees you when you鈥檙e sleeping, knows when you鈥檙e awake, knows if you鈥檝e been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I鈥檝e heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I鈥檇 like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
It鈥檚 really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 馃
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn鈥檛 think I鈥檇 sit on the baby correctly
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit