“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You Might Also Like
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep