*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.