Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen