me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m putting together a team
If you love someone, let them tweet.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.