I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.