wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.