My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You Might Also Like
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore