I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.