Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The asteroid..
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Oops
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Never go to sleep after making me angry
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.