Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.