Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
How times have changed.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Not even remotely sorry.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA