One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*