Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I have never related to a cat more
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.