[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
🙂🐾
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.