The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face