I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.