Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
i hate you platonically
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.