Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When someone says you are so lazy
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Science memes
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.