People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You Might Also Like
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
cats when you pet them too long:
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
c’mon!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.