the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie