[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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iPhone X
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.