Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You can’t rush stupid.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.