My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby