I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You Might Also Like
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?