My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.