Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You Might Also Like
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.