[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
i baked you a cake
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit