[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.