“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”