*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.