Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?