I think we should hear other voices.
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police