I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
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Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast