son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Flock of bats
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My last name is Zilla.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.